MOVING OUT AND READING OLD JOURNALS  

Date: Friday, 23 July 2010 @ 10:24AM

I'm packing up today to get ready for my move back home to mum's on Saturday. Whenever I move, I can never truly resist looking through my old journals. I should be packing but instead I'm reading my journal from Year 12. I wrote this about my views on God.

Christian. Am I? Honestly, it doesn't hurt, but I think not. I want to be, but why? Because my heart sees somthing it needs and yearns for in the word of God. There is truth and beauty there. There is recognition and an overwhelming sense of rightness that this is where I belong."

How nice it is to have those thoughts recorded? How precious to me now is my relationship with God... and to have those baby steps back to him recorded is really special. :) Just wanted to share that.

LAST WEEK OF WORK  

Date: Sunday, 11 July 2010 @ 9:18AM

This will be my last week of working full time in child care. I am planning to write a note for the door so I can make sure all the parents read my little farewell and I am planning to make/write thank you cards to some of my children. I can't believe I'm leaving them. It's really hard to think that I won't see 'my shadow' every week and be there for all those amazing things she makes and draws and writes. I will miss Mr P and his funny conversations on the swings with me, his tricky puzzle skills and his beautiful, cheeky nature. I'm going to miss all my children in so many tiny ways.

But I need to go back to Uni to finish my degree and the sooner the better. I have 2.5 years of it ahead of me. It was going to be 1.5 but they changed the degree and I'm going to go under the new system so I can teach up until Year 6 instead of Year 2. There don't seem to be many positions available in schools these days and perhaps having the new degree will mean I'm not completely shut out of the school system. I want to stay in child care or preschools for as long as I can though. I love the flexibility and the greater nurturing focus that they have. I love the relationships you build with families. You really get to know the children.

I'm cut up about writing these thank you cards though. I have so much sitting in my heart that I wish to say but I just think it rather than write it. I feel like a little kid who is too emotional to speak, so you just stand there shaking. lol It's a silly analogy but it kind of fits. Ah so... I'm going to give myself today to try. I guess it goes to show how much these little guys have meant to me. I sometimes think I have the best job in the world. These kids are such beautiful people. You don't find people like these little guys everyday. They're so giving and loving and expressive about it all. Everyday I come home with pictures from them and before I leave I get hugs and when I arrive children say, "Cathrine's here!". Sigh.

I'm probably making it harder for myself by writing about it. It'll be okay though. I'm going to work casually for them and already I'm working the week after I leave for 2 days in the preschool room. So I am not truly gone. I'm excited about Uni. I need to get back into the system and catch up on the new national curriculum and find out what the official word is about it. I feel out of the loop. Anyway. Better get to it.

COMMENTS? YEAH, I DON'T NEED THEM.  

Date: Sunday, 20 June 2010 @ 9:47PM

Once upon a time, I loved blogging. Blogging was a community and people by and large played by the rules. Wordpress wasn't around, blogger was kind of its own separate thing and if you blogged it was because you had your own website. It took a lot of effort and people cared about their layout and content almost as much as their blog itself. It's now every man and his dog. I can't do much about that. I feel like a hanger on... someone who belongs to a previous generation. Like a 60 year old hippie still wearing raggedy clothing and smoking pot. Yeah, those days are long gone old man.

I'm not doing this now for the community, the community I knew is dead. I'm doing this because it is something I've done since I was 14 and really... it's just too hard for me to give it up. I've tried. I go through phases where I miss writing and then I'll miss designing layouts. But what I don't miss is people making useless comments. I have used Haloscan for years but they gave up the ghost (after years of faithful service) so now I'm with another company and because I'm unwilling to pay $10 a month, I can't moderate comments made.

I'm unwilling to have comments if it means I can't moderate them. So we now have no comments. *shrugs* Most people who want to say something, I know in real life so you guys can still tell me what you think if you feel the need. Tom sent me this link. I like him and I like the point made.

Blog more later.

SHADOWRUN - THE SHELL GAME, THROUGH VIOLET'S EYES  

Date: Monday, 31 May 2010 @ 9:18PM

I had the most incredible weekend. I woke Saturday morning exhausted though. Tom and I had gone to his best friend's brother's 18th birthday Friday night and I was well and truly worn out. I slept until 12pm and would have slept more if Tom had let me. The possibility of me Shadowrunning that afternoon was serious in doubt but I went home and showered, ate, changed clothes and felt much better. So off I went... This session was held at Alex's place in Redfern. It was the first time we'd had it there and I was curious about how that would impact the game. Who would turn up? Would there be ring ins? In the end we had Nick, Danny, Tom, Ben and myself with Alex GMing - a big enough party.

Pitrre (Alex) was our fixer. She gave us the job - intercept an expensive artwork being transported by a triple A rating corp (Wuxing) from a warehouse to an airport. Tom describes the overall events in his recent blog post. It was exhilarating. I didn't know what to expect. I am not familiar enough with The Sixth World to know how much to fear a triple A rating corporation. I know corps pretty much run the world but that didn't wave a red flag like it could/should have that we might be in over our heads. Again, Violet was the face, which meant to do her part she had to talk her way into Tacoma Narrows Airport. It was initially a really stressful idea until I looked at the size of the airport (it was a domestic airport) and considered their level of security and familiarity with such large corps. They would surely be overawed by them, would be easily pushed around, and really... I've been to Bacolod in the Philippines. It's small and as soon as I imagined that I was walking into a Bacolod-sized airport it became much easier to push their security around.

Playing the face makes you feel like you're at the front of the action. Like everyone is hanging on the words that you say and are pleading with you to hold the performance long enough to get what we want. The excitement of doing that and getting awesome dice rolls just when you need them is incredible. In many games where dice rolls can decide your fate, I don't feel like that's as big of an issue in Shadowrun. At one point I was struggling to get an airport security official off the site as the Wuxing people turned up and I was starting to panic. I thought that maybe he was on their side and knew that we were not who we said we were. I was scared that he'd be packing some extreme heat and we'd have a fight on two fronts. However I know Violet, I know that she wouldn't be fooled if he was involved and was feigning ignorance. So I got frustrated and told the GM that I judge by his body language and general demeanour why the heck he's not listening to me when I tell him to clear off in my dangerous/subtle manner. It turns out that instead of being dangerous, he's just thick-witted and by stating my desire in a more direct way got him off the airstrip in time. It's that level of genuine role play that makes me love this game.

We worked really well as a team on this mission. And Tom (Oberon) and Ben (The Doctor) were stand out, I thought. It was magic the way we timed the thing. Oberon and Dain scouted out the point of origin and followed the convoy transporting the artwork. They were able to give us a good ETA at the airport destination. Violet, The Doctor and Kirika waited at the airport and met the initial car in the convoy. Two goons got out and my first thought was that they were just regular thugs, perhaps with some martial arts training. I didn't want to fight them if it could be helped in case it made getting the artwork from the other cars more difficult by blowing our cover. So Oberon mind-controlled them but everyone was keen on just killing the guys and hiding the bodies so that's what Violet tried to do. Her Hammerli was useless and he kept dodging the bullets of my Ares too. It was infuriating! I got some incredible dice rolls in and he just dodged them all. I really wanted that guy dead. In the end he succumbed as he ran out of edge and then Oberon lost control of the second guy after Kirika shot him point blank in the head. Incredibly he dodged that bullet too and managed to knock Kirika unconscious. It was tough going. So much for a simple knock-them-out-and-hide-the bodies-before-the-rest-turn-up trick!

From there the battle turned into a couple of hours of pounding in real-time. In game the battle lasted around 10 seconds. Violet took four damage and The Doctor reached almost the limit that he could soak in stun and physical damage without being too incapacitated to fight or get us out of there. Killing the mage in the car was the key. It freed Oberon up to mana bolt the guys, who were being protected from spell casting. But we'd killed the guys and were now in no condition to take on any more. We had to get out of there. It broke my heart. To come so far and work so hard and have nothing to show for it! No artwork, just four damage points that The Doctor was too hurt to heal me of, let alone heal himself. The Doctor suggested that we check the car for the artwork since we were there anyway, just in case. I rolled my perception and added The Doctor's and Kirika's and began the search. I had 10 dice and needed to get 25 hits in order to find this artwork (if it was indeed there!) because it would be so well hidden. With each roll you remove one dice. I have a history of having some lucky dice rolls and expected to do well. I was nearing my target but needed three more hits with just three dice left but I rolled a critical glitch (1,3,1). Normally that would mean it's over but I had one remaining point of edge so I could re-roll and what did I get? 6,5,6! Heck YES! It was one of my favourite moments in the game. We searched the car and I looked up at Alex and felt like it would have been the highest form of cruelty if he said, "Sorry, it's not there" but he didn't. He said "you find it!". OH MY GOSH. What a freaking relief! The sedan that pulled up first was the real deal, the two armoured cars travelling with it were decoys. The Doctor hotwired the car and Kirika drove us out of there with seconds to spare, torching the car afterwards to remove any trace of evidence/DNA.

Winning/playing that game was so much fun. Coming home on the train I bumped into a couple of friends and couldn't contain my geeky exhilaration. I tried a little to explain what Shadowrun was and what we'd just done but you really have to be there (and be a massive geek) to be as excited as I was. I was glowing! I hope you get a sense of that excitement from my rundown of the game.

REFLECTIONS ON ISAIAH 43  

Date: Wednesday, 26 May 2010 @ 11:31AM

When I was younger, maybe 18 or 19 years old, I was told Isaiah was too complex a book for me to read and be able to understand. So for years I never approached it. However now I have been reading the bible from start(ish) to finish and I'm more than half way through Isaiah. I'm really enjoying it and not finding it too challenging to read. I put this down largely to the firm grounding in the Old Testament given to me by Br Ned. I read Isaiah 43 today and again my heart breaks. I can not help but see God's absolute love and mercy and Israel's forgetful, careless regard for God. I can feel the scorn that is being heaped up upon God and it aches my heart and makes me examine my own life for the many ways in which I treat God the same.

Tom and I are reading through 2 Kings at the moment and we're up to verse 24 where Judea and Jerusalem are taken into captivity by Babylon. It ties in nicely with what I read in Isaiah 43 today. God is promising to redeem his people and is affirming again his place as God despite their unfaithfulness. He will restore them for his name's sake but he can not be treated lightly, the chapter ends with a painful consequence. I want to share a couple of verses that spoke strongly to me.


8 Lead out those who have eyes but are blind,
who have ears but are deaf.

9 All the nations gather together
and the peoples assemble.
Which of them foretold this
and proclaimed to us the former things?
Let them bring in their witnesses to prove they were right,
so that others may hear and say, "It is true."

10 "You are my witnesses," declares the LORD,
"and my servant whom I have chosen,
so that you may know and believe me
and understand that I am he.
Before me no god was formed,
nor will there be one after me.

11 I, even I, am the LORD,
and apart from me there is no savior.

12 I have revealed and saved and proclaimed—
I, and not some foreign god among you.
You are my witnesses," declares the LORD, "that I am God.

13 Yes, and from ancient days I am he.
No one can deliver out of my hand.
When I act, who can reverse it?"



This section affirms and affirms again God's sovereignty. Why should he have to? Why should he have to dig up prophets who attested to the events that God brought about? It seems terrible to me that people should so not know God that they need these kinds of proofs. And even with them, they still persist in their rejection of God and run after other gods. I mean, Baal? Are you serious? Molech? You want to serve a god that encourages you to burn your own children in the fire? I don't understand it. But I do. It's madness, but it's what we do everyday. We are still so very blind and deaf to God. Even people within the Church can be caught up in the form of religion and miss the true worship and service of God. I am definitely guilty of overlooking and rejecting God despite so many incredible proofs of his goodness and presence in my life. But after reading this verse and many others in Isaiah I see God's patience, his anguish, his love, his disappointment and absolute desire to bring about good for his people. He lovingly calls them back time and time again and forgives their sin. He is a holy God but balances his justice with incredible mercy. Israel is such an undeserving nation and so are we all. I thank God after reading this that he does not love as we do, but loves us beyond what we deserve.

The other passage that I want to share is this.


22 "Yet you have not called upon me, O Jacob,
you have not wearied yourselves for me, O Israel.

23 You have not brought me sheep for burnt offerings,
nor honored me with your sacrifices.
I have not burdened you with grain offerings
nor wearied you with demands for incense.

24 You have not bought any fragrant calamus for me,
or lavished on me the fat of your sacrifices.
But you have burdened me with your sins
and wearied me with your offenses.

25 "I, even I, am he who blots out
your transgressions, for my own sake,
and remembers your sins no more.

26 Review the past for me,
let us argue the matter together;
state the case for your innocence.

27 Your first father sinned;
your spokesmen rebelled against me.

28 So I will disgrace the dignitaries of your temple,
and I will consign Jacob to destruction
and Israel to scorn.



God says "You have not wearied yourselves for me". This feels similar to the NT verse "In your struggle against sin, you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood" in Hebrews 12 (which also happens to be where Tom and I are up to in our bible reading together). We have not strived to seek God. We have not sought him earnestly, either to please him or resist sin. It seems like we're a pathetic people who are so consumed with ourselves, our needs, our pleasures that we forget God entirely. God says here that the people have neglected to bring sacrifices for their sin and neither bring thank offerings or offer the best of what they have in their love and thanks to God. I can almost feel the weight that God must carry in watching his people unrepentantly walk all over his laws. Yet God doesn't appear to want to punish them. He says that he will forgive them, wipe out their sin completely because of who he is. Even before pronouncing his judgement he encourages them to see the justice in the relationship (or lack of). However, it's clear they are sinful and unrepentant in their rebellion, and so have no case to argue. They bring about what they receive and God is holy and just and must bring the things in verse 28 to pass. It seems a mercy that it is not more.

I feel really lucky to know God. However, to know God also must mean to be changed by God. All too often I put God to the side and 'forget' him only later to 'remember' him again and by then I would have drifted so far that I'll wish I could do as they did in those OT times and "tear my robes, put on sack cloth and fall in ashes". How can we forget God? The author and creator of the universe? Is not life and our existence a testament to him? Isn't everything we have from him? How can we forget him when everything we have is a gift from him, even the air that we breathe. But I guess because these things are everyday and common so we can become blasé and complacent. I'm glad God has given us his Word, without it I'm sure it would take me much longer to remember God and his proper place in my life.

I KILLED ZOMBIES AND HELL DOGS ON THE WEEKEND, WHAT'D YOU DO?  

Date: Monday, 24 May 2010 @ 9:47PM

I hosted a Shadowrun game at my place on Sunday. It was all kinds of awesome fun. Again and again I have to say, I love being Violet. It was an extraction run, which Tom describes aptly here. My favourite part was being able to walk into a security testing site using just six coffees and my charm. Win! And this time I didn't freak out because I wasn't in over my head. This time I wasn't going head to head with a gang leader on his home turf with a whole warehouse full of his ganger friends. Oh so much fear! This time = fun!

Tom (Oberon) was able to slip in while I had some of the security distracted and throw a stun grenade into the security room. It was a crucial action that meant we took out the Spider (a man connected to the Matrix, who is able to mind-control anyone else connected to him). It turns out he was connected to all the workers on the construction site (around 40 people) and putting him out of action activated their defence system. Namely, to turn them into rabid, unfeeling, zombie-like killing machines. However, since there was no one controlling these mindless zombies we had the great amusement in watching those on the second floor leap off the balcony in a desire to reach us all the more quickly. Many of them didn't survive the fall, and those that did copped some submissive fire from my new Styr TMP.

Ben (The Doctor) proved useful with his car. After killing all the guys, or incapacitating in Alex (Pitrre's) case, we loaded up our man and high-tailed it out of there. If we happened to pick up a few extra bodies with serviceable parts at the same time, so much the better. Oh and did I mention the Hell dogs? Barghests? We killed some of them too. Think attack dogs but magically evil. Killing our way through their defences didn't tax our party too much on this occasion. Most of us left with minimal to no damage. I feel a little sorry for the dents and bullet holes in The Doctor's car. I wonder if bullet holes through the roof are beyond his ability to repair. I don't need to worry about him though. Despite sitting in the car at the time, he shrugged those bullets off without suffering any damage, as he is wont to do.

CAN'T RUN FROM SHADOWRUNNING  

Date: Sunday, 16 May 2010 @ 11:16PM

I'm listening to Patrick Wolf's The Messenger, downloaded from Daytrotter. He sung these tracks early in the morning when he was still very tired. I think you can hear some of the longing weariness in his voice. It heightens the mood of the song, making it something special. Either way it's very different to Magic Position, which is the first Patrick Wolf song that I heard.

I had a wonderful weekend. Thomas looks after me so well. He came over Friday night to cook me dinner when I got home from work. I was so sick, tired and hurt but his perfect spaghetti bolognese helped pick me up. Then Saturday I wrote reports (developmental summaries we call them at work) and he came over in the evening to hang out and tell me about his Shadowrunning (a pen and paper role playing game). It made me so jealous. I spent much of the day considering going back on my previous decision to stop 'running and his run down of the game made rejoining so appealing. I like Violet so much. I love her concept and I think she has so much space for character development. She's a bodyguard/escort elf. I have some awesome weapons and in my two previous runs I've been killing dudes in such snappy, fantastic ways. I like that I'm beautiful but dangerous. It's just hard though to justify spending hours playing these games when I'm sure there are other more meaningful activities that I could be engaging in. However, THE FUN! Tom told me about his brother's new character and I'm excited. I want to 'run alongside him. His name is The Doctor and he's a huge troll that just soaks up fire and takes no damage as well as being a capable healer.

Anyway, point is, Tom came over and told me about his session and I was left in the throws of jealously. My dreams that night were highly influenced by my desire to get back into it I'm sure because I dreamt I was in a war-torn world and on the run. I had guns (let's think Ares Predator IV here :P) and my mission was to go and buy some cheese for my friends bunkered down so they could celebrate some occasion. Apparently it was necessary to have cheese and I'd bold-facedly said that I could get my hands on some when it was one of the more rare food items because of the war affecting cheese production in the country. It needed to be shipped in from Belguim. I even said I could steal it, right under their noses. So off I went, and I got to the place where you can buy these things (a black market of types) but it wasn't run by people. It was run by animals, mostly tigers, lions and small mice. Go figure, my dreams are for fun anyway. So I sneak in but I'm spotted last minute and have to talk my way through like a customer rather than thief. They give me their price. $40 for 100/120 grams but ~$60 for 300 grams. I buy the 300 grams. I come back with my cheese... mission complete!

Prior to this I was engaged in some less comical play. I was in a relationship with a Fiji Indian guy named Shek who was short and shy and dodgy. I didn't like him but was forced to go to a play for the sake of apperances with him and some friends. He got lost as we found our seats and I had to go back and find him. When I did, he had some friends with him who turned hostile and tried to capture me. I only just managed to escape through a side door with the help of a friend (contact) who knew the venue and the hidden door to her hide out. However one of her people double-crossed her and gave away our location. Her hide out was now useless and we were both fighting for our lives! She had an uzi and sprayed the guys coming in through the garage but though she took out almost all of them, she ran out of ammo at the last second. I still remember the agonising clicking sound the gun made as the chamber spun uselessly in the weapon (I don't know if that's how these guns operate, mind you). She looked back at me and knew she was dead. I knew then that I had to live to kill the bastard that took her out. She'd died trying to protect me and so I fought back, took the risk in coming out from behind my cover and shot the guy in the chest with a kind of pepper spray-like gun. It was over, except as soon as I got to another safe house I'd be found again. I ran from place to place. I think somewhere along the point the dream shifted focus to the pending party back at the place my friends were bunkered down in. But I can't remember how the shift was made. Anyway, it was such an intense little battle and I woke feeling quite satisfied with myself... having gotten the cheese. Even if I had to pay their hugely overpriced amount.

So when Tom talked to me this morning about rejoining Shadowrun... it didn't take so much to convince me. I missed it. We redesigned Violet a little today and I started to read the core rule book when I got back from church. Yeah. I think this will be just one of those things I will have to learn to manage. To still meet all the requirements put on me by work and life but also be a Shadowrunner. There's something really exciting about Shadowrunning... I don't quite know how to describe it. I never thought role playing was like this, but I find I really like it. My boyfriend really isn't twisting my arm to get me to do this. I'm trying to fight it but it's a battle that I know I will lose eventually, so why fight it?

Violet's back, baby. I'm kind of afraid of what that means... can I live up to what I want her to be? Can I roleplay such a character really without freaking out? Some of these situations seem real enough to make me really nervous. I sometimes freeze up in fear! But the draw, the call to try again, to make next time better, to learn from my mistakes... it's irresistable. Does this make me a geek or what? hahaha <3

IN LOVE, LOVED, AND MOVED TO LOVE IN RETURN  

Date: Thursday, 13 May 2010 @ 8:52PM

I wasn't sure which section to write these thoughts in. I could put this in words or blog or music. I decided on blog. I am sick - again. When will it stop? It seems there are a lot of powerful strains of cold/flu going around and working in child care means I'm exposed to them all. If I have one bad nights sleep I can be hit full force. My immune system is constantly battling them and these viruses take advantage of any chink in my armour.

Despite this, I had a good day at work. I keep falling in love with my kids. My girl (my 'shadow') is no longer a shadow and is now a wonderful little girl who is growing up and becoming independant but definitely hasn't forgotten me. We have so many beautiful hugs and moments together during the day, where she'll ask for a cuddle or sit on my lap to read a story or show me something she's made. Or I'll just look at her and exclaim at how much she's growing and she can see in my eyes that I love her and it'll be hug time again. haha I have a couple of kids who I love like that, who are just wonderful little things that come for hugs and throw out little "I love you Cathrines" amidst their play in the block corner or sandpit. I used to be unsure about what to say in return. I mean is it my place as a teacher to be that close? Does saying "I love you too" undermine my position as a teacher? I know of some who teach from a distance and say it's better for the children because they'll go to 'big school' and have to adjust to being with just one teacher who can not be as close or emotionally available. But in the end I didn't feel comfortable ignoring such heart-felt comments when it felt quite natural (after a while) to say "I love you too". So yeah. I'm sick but despite it all, I love the kids I work with and that makes my job much easier.

That wasn't the thing I was going to blog about though. I was going to exclaim over Laura Gibson's music on Daytrotter. Again, I love Daytrotter. Laura Gibson's music is beautiful, I could fall into it or sail away with it... While listening to her music I was reminded of Tom and wanted to write something in our green book for him. In these times I love having a book to share with him. Writing in it and drawing him pictures fits with my style of self expression.

I'm not sure if I'm making sense, I'll press on anyway. I titled this entry IN LOVE, LOVED, AND MOVED TO LOVE IN RETURN because I reflected on something I prayed about this morning. I injured my back at work and I've been struggling with balancing my health with my conscience. How hurt am I? How much can I do? I feel bad sitting back and 'not helping' and so there are times when I do too much and there are other times I could do more. It's hard. I asked God for wisdom in handling it all. I knew I didn't know what was the right thing to do, I kept going back and forth in what I wanted. However today I found a really good solution with my director and I can't help but reflect on how good God is. He answers prayers so promptly. I still pray with half a thought that God won't really help... that the problem will be too small or God will let me suffer for my earlier folly to learn my lesson. haha But instead he helps out. He's good. He's good to me beyond what I deserve.

Those are the main things I wanted to share. Namely that my kids at work are lovely, Laura Gibson is a wonderful musical find, writing to Tom is bliss and God is faithful. Later lovelies.

WORN OUT BUT STILL ALIVE  

Date: Wednesday, 21 April 2010 @ 6:31PM

I have been pretty busy lately, with work and being sick and who knows what else. I've wanted to catch up and blog about stuff but I have lacked the motivation and time. So some important events slipped by without mention. For example, my night out with Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros... the growth (and one death) of my bonsai plants and my 1st year anniversary with Tom. To go back and write about them now seems a little useless. So instead I'm just going to ramble about life at the moment.

I am currently battling some terrible forces; namely tiredness, stress, pressure, disappointment and lethargy. I battle them with all my strength and I'm proud to say I haven't given up. It's a tempting thing but I've learnt from past experiences that there is no escape from life and the best way to make things better is to keep going. I went for a run last night - six laps this time! One better on my previous weeks and this time I think I could have gone one more as well. I'm excited to be building on my fitness. I enjoy the endorphins afterwards as well. :P Work is shredding me though. I have such high expectations for myself and others and I take it personally when things don't work out. It's not ideal. I don't like letting myself or others down. I know I'm being vague... but that's as much information as I care to share right now.

In the midst of all the stuff I feel is on my back, all the burdens that I'm carrying, I'm really happy. I feel like I have solid ground under my feet. It's a sensation that is new and wonderful to me. I know that I will be going back to Uni in August and it's great to know I can move in with mum to allow Uni to happen. It's good to feel as if I still have someone in my family (mum) that has my back. It's not something I've really had for a while, for so long it's been be me needing to be independent because no one else would be there to catch me if I fell. Also, my new church is teaching me to be loving and so is Tom. I'm learning to push outside myself and focus on the needs of others before my own and in spite of my own! It's painful, tiring work... but meaningful and I rejoice when I work in partnership with God and Tom to serve others/God.

Often when I feel like breaking down and crying I can find true peace and hope and strength in God. It's a tangible thing. The reality of God's presence is often enough to give me the strength to carry on. How can I not be overawed when I feel his nearness? To know for a second that the God of all the universe is with me brings me to my knees and I rejoice in my suffering that it brings me so much closer to God. I feel as if I'd willingly suffer always in order to remain in God's presence. It's a crazy thing. It helps when you have heavy burdens to carry and you feel your shoulders are too young and weak to bare them. I often hear people talk about God's faithfulness and the encouragement and strength that he gives to people and they seem so sterile in their descriptions. But maybe it's just me and how I'm so extreme in my emotions... God is blowing me away lately. I feel like I've known about him for so long and now I'm beginning to know him more personally.

Love is turning out to be a real test of how well I know God and follow God. It's wonderful to read the Bible and see how this is constantly said over and over... and it's funny in a way to see how it's constantly not heard clearly. Why are we so scared to love wholeheartedly? Why are we so unwilling to be hurt ourselves? I'm learning to give up my rights in my service to God. It sounds so foreign. It sounds so wrong. Like, why should we allow ourselves to be hurt? Don't we have the right to be treated well? But I keep coming into situations where I can't control the hurtful behaviour of others and I'm being tempted to be cold back or walk away from those situations. When really, I ask myself what is more important... that I be loving or that I cling to my pride and demand that I be treated fairly all the time? haha No one is going to be treated fairly all the time... and I don't think it gives me license to be unkind in return. In fact I've found a great freedom in consciously deciding to be kind instead. It's only new and I'm just beginning to test it. I will probably fail more than I succeed in this new approach but I have my whole life to perfect it.

Under everything I do at the moment, God is central to my thoughts. I keep coming back to him. I love it. Even if it means blog posts end in random God-thoughts rambling. :)